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*To forgive: a verb to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. The problem with my original interpretation of that definition was that I assumed that I only needed to forgive others. You know what happens when you assume. The lesson I learned was that to grant another forgiveness: I had to forgive myself. We are taught, even as children, that we should forgive others. It took me a while to realize that someone forgot to tell me that I should apply this teaching to myself.
It wasn’t until later in life that I realized just how much abuse I suffered as a child. According to what I have read over the years, I should be drug-addicted, a prostitute, or worse, dead. As a child raised in that environment, my three driving emotions were fear, shame, and an abundance of guilt. These are the emotions that stayed with me as I became an adult. I found that I was all too ready to accept blame and punishment for things that I had no control over. Life is not fair. But in forgiving myself, I began to discern what I am truly responsible for. I am fortunate enough that with a lot of hard work and therapy and I broke the cycle.
*The word forgiveness, a noun, means the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. My process of forgiveness is a daily and lifelong event. Forgiveness is a constant cycle. It usually starts with my past rearing its ugly head. I find it often affects my current relationships. Just because I have forgiveness myself and them, it does not mean I have been granted forgiveness. And that’s ok! I can’t control how others feel about me. I can only control myself.
Also, I can’t change my past, but I can and do learn from it. I am broken, and some days, I have to add more mortar to the cracks to keep everything together. There are days when the shame, fear, and guilt creep in, but thankfully they are not as destructive as they once were. In forgiving myself, peace, love, and laugher fill my day. In many of my situations, I have to use my should of, could of, would of test. Since hindsight is 20/20, I have to ask myself, is this my responsibility?
I wish at this point that I could give you step-by-step instructions for learning to forgive yourself. We are all on different journeys in this life, and no two are the same. For this reason, I would never presume to tell another person their path to forgiveness. It is your life, and only you can know which course to follow. I will, however, offer some words of wisdom to help you to begin. Please be kinder to yourself and forgive yourself often.
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*1.“Forgive.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, August 5, 2021, Accessed August 11, 2021, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgive.
2.“Forgiveness.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, August 6, 2021, Accessed August 11 2021, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/forgiveness.